so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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