I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
