There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
