my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
