The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
