I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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