Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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