Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
