I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he shaved USA in his pubs
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
