I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
