I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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