My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
