Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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