Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
