Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
