Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
