Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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