dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
