I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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