so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
