I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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