Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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