I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My life is pants optional.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
