You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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