dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
