i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
