Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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