i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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