If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
