I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
