Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
