Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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