my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
