I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
