No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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