im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
