remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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