so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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