just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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