i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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