No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This baby is an asshole
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
