I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Soap is not a condiment
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
