Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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