i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
