We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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