If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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