Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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