y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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