dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
