I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
