I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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