we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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