that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
