We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
