If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Vodka?
Forever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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