It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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