her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
