i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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