You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
