Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize