I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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