i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
