through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize