So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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